choice
(cw: vulnerable talk about self-hate)
so you know, we're not supposed to speak like this in public, but fuck it actually, because why hold back when you've got nothing to lose.
i'm starting to understand the reason why i'm so upset with myself, why i hate who i am right now so much: it's because i know i'm not doing my best. not even ideal best, just reasonable compromise best, and that's not even happening. i've been trying to meet it on my own terms, in a way that makes sense to me, that keeps me comfortable and safe. but unfortunately as it turns out, the progress is way too slow, unpredictable, and unbalanced. the only other option, that'll make me truly truly happy, is meeting my best in a way that i would never do it. it's been too fucking easy, i've been erasing the uncomfortable out of my life. comfort is my drug of choice, and i know what getting drunk on it means for me, i know now. i have to get used to choosing the other way, or i'll die painfully and slowly, without me being really there.
now will i even remember this? unfortunately part of the cycle is not remembering, or even worse, knowing it and saying "fuck it who cares, whatever". but at the end of the day, it's Aware, or it's not. in those pockets of time, those blessings of waking up through self-awareness, i have the ability to change my life. i know i'm going to choose poorly a lot, it's in my body, my mind, my blood. perfect efficiency is quite literally impossible, at least for me. but the goal now is to up the ratio of success, more and more, fighting for my self-esteem. and it's such a wonderfully uneasy relief that the goal is boldly outlined, and that the solution is set in stone. because self-esteem doesn't just happen, i have to do the work in order to be proud of myself; that's my future and that's my present. this is what it is.
don't know if this is all ambiguous nonsense talk, but right now i think i just need to spit it out, manifest something out into the world. i know i'm not alone in this, but still, dear god i hope i'm not alone.